FlashBack Friday: Addison in Rare Form

It's important to remember where you come from and how you felt when your kids made you look crazy in front people in public. When she was 6.




Seriously, this girl gets weirder by the minute. Yesterday, her big brown eyes met me at the door full of tears of rejection and she claimed no girl anywhere would play with her! I asked if she wanted to come with me to run errands. She was instantly better and my eyebrows furrowed as I realized I was just duped by a five year old. First stop- Home Depot.






Scene- Garden center check out line. Beautiful weather, birds fluttering and chirping, flowers and shrubberies setting a melancholy scene.
Addison's voice cuts through everything: Mommy, why DID you take your shirt off in the car?
Mommy: (eyes wide stares blankly at clerk and mumbles) I had a tank top on underneath. :/
Clerk: hysterical laughter
Mommy: Thanks Addison. Sigh.

Second and last stop for the rest of our lives- Walmart.
Scene- Walmart check out line (sensing a theme?) Well, there isn't anything pretty about the inside of Walmart, but it was surprisingly quiet. (Of course it was.)
Addison: (looks at her mother, hands up as if she were surrendering) Sheesh Lady! You aren't even my mother. You are a stranger. Stranger Danger!
Mommy: blink. blink.
Addison: (laughs maniacally)
Mommy: (after realizing people are looking) Addison! You can't say that!
Addison: (nonchalantly) Why? What's the big deal?
Mommy: (Eyes wide) THE BIG DEAL IS THAT THE POLICE WILL TAKE ME TO JAIL!
Addison: (maniacal giggling then muttering under her breath as if she were threatening to say it louder) stranger danger. stranger danger (and she continues muttering all the way out to the car).
Mommy: Thanks Addison. Sigh.

Goodbye forever.

~Nonsense

Winter Break

Oh how I love the sound of that phrase. Winter break. Brain break. Pants break. You can't make me. I won't. No pants, no finagling, no hectic. My minutes will be spent doing all the things I love most. 

Ok, maybe I promised myself I would clean something, but don't expect miracles. I'll spray the counter and walk away for a good five minutes just to avoid using elbow grease. Come at me, syrup stains. I'll soak a pan like I'm waiting for it to get pruney. Get behind me, caked on scum. And yes, I'll probably run that load of laundry through twice, but the second round will have a drop of lemon oil and therefore zero mildew smell. Yah. I got this winter break in the bag, and we are only two days in. 

You know what else has already  happened? After about a month of asking my husband to handle a few Unwelcomed visitors we named Rebecca, I caught the mice myself. Yes. We named all the mice Rebecca. Yes. I purchased four different mouse trap types and placed them silly nikky through my home. And, yes. Auto correct just changed "willy nilly" to "silly nikky" and I'm leaving it because maybe it fits better. The point is, I did it. I caught two mice in this strange glue contraption. One died straight away, and I'm sorry to say that another held on for a few ten minute sections of time (I didn't want to say an hour. It sounded meaner). 

What's a girl to do? How do you humanely rid your home of field mice that are eating through every food package in your pantry and leaving little black licorice bits like its the best surprise they can offer? 

No thanks, Rebecca! I don't want none. 

But I did it. I think my kids looked at me like I was just a smidgeon taller in their eyes when it was all done. Except Layla Grace. I don't know how she looked at me really. I avoided her eye contact on account of this conversation: 

Me: gross. Get away from the mice. 

LG: aw. It's so sad. Can't I just put him out of his misery?!

Me: what are you going to do??

LG (calmly) (too calmly): stab it. 

Me (commence avoiding eye contact)

Isn't this what winter break is all about? I'm just sorry I don't have a happier story.

Like the time Sam found the mouse trap my husband set. The peanut butter and cheese had been removed so precisely, yet the trap had not been set off. Almost as if Rebecca has thumbs (please don't have thumbs, Rebecca). And there was this conversation: 

Sam: mamma, since your trap has been licked clean, can I set it off with this stick?

Elijah: OH MY GOSH

Me (calmly): Sam. Never say that again. And no. 

Mike (chokes)

 If you love us you must love all of us. 

Sometimes My Parenting Surprises Even Me

We have friends in town. You know the kind: besties that blur the line between family and friend for so long you forget you aren't REALLY related. They live further away these days, but it isn't their fault. We keep moving north. There is a slight chance we will end up right back where we started as their neighbor if we keep up this crazy pattern. At least we can grab a little Canadian chocolate on our way. Do not fret. We will share. I mean, I won't but I have trained my kids to do as I say and not as I do. I will be in the corner shoveling Coffee Crisps. Sorry for that Canadian tangent. I blame Erin Reed for ever introducing me to that sweet delectable goodness.
Our besties- anyhoo, our spring break was last week, and their spring break is this week. The kids have had to wake early and toddle off to school most of the mornings while their cousins vegged out and went exploring. Last night I got the brilliant idea to let them all stay home, and I even planned to ditch work this morning. This morning, I remembered I am getting six new students today. (To my teacher followers- no. I am not kidding.) Kids can stay home. Crud. Izzy has track. OK. The rest of the kids can stay home. CRAP. Elijah and Layla Grace are touring the middle school on a field trip.
We pull up to the school. Click. Click. Seat belts come out. "Addison, you can stay home honey. You two have fun at your field trip, and I will pick you up early."
"WHAT!! WHY WHA!!! THIS IS SO UNFAIR! OH THE INJUSTICE OF IT ALL!!"
"K. Love you."
Addison sits smugly.

Sam At Bedtime. He got me again.

So. Samuel Fisher is a big movie quoter. Let's be real. If you are going to be one of the children in this house, you have to be a movie quoter. AGAIN he wasn't in his bed. I said, "FISH what are you doing?
 He said, in his best New York accent (which was phenomenal) "I WAS ON A SAFARI, BOB!" This is of course my favorite line from Return to Me delivered by Dick Cusack, John's and Joan's seriously awesome father. I cannot discipline under these circumstances.

Addison in Rare Form

Seriously, this girl gets weirder by the minute. Yesterday, her big brown eyes met me at the door full of tears of rejection and she claimed no girl anywhere would play with her! I asked if she wanted to come with me to run errands. She was instantly better and my eyebrows furrowed as I realized I was just duped by a five year old. First stop- Home Depot.

Scene- Garden center check out line. Beautiful weather, birds fluttering and chirping, flowers and shrubberies setting a melancholy scene.
Addison's voice cuts through everything: Mommy, why DID you take your shirt off in the car?
Mommy: (eyes wide stares blankly at clerk and mumbles) I had a tank top on underneath. :/
Clerk: hysterical laughter
Mommy: Thanks Addison. Sigh.

Second and last stop for the rest of our lives- Walmart.
Scene- Walmart check out line (sensing a theme?) Well, there isn't anything pretty about the inside of Walmart, but it was surprisingly quiet. (Of course it was.)
Addison: (looks at her mother, hands up as if she were surrendering) Sheesh Lady! You aren't even my mother. You are a stranger. Stranger Danger!
Mommy: blink. blink.
Addison: (laughs maniacally)
Mommy: (after realizing people are looking) Addison! You can't say that!
Addison: (nonchalantly) Why? What's the big deal?
Mommy: (Eyes wide) THE BIG DEAL IS THAT THE POLICE WILL TAKE ME TO JAIL!
Addison: (maniacal giggling then muttering under her breath as if she were threatening to say it louder) stranger danger. stranger danger (and she continues muttering all the way out to the car).
Mommy: Thanks Addison. Sigh.

Goodbye forever.

Conversations With My Kids

Me: half snoozing, half reading my book in bed.

Eli: (walks in with two pieces of peanut butter toast which are topped with sliced bananas and honey.mmmm) Do you want these two pieces of peanut butter toast topped with bananas and honey?

Me: MMMM YES!!

Eli: All you have to say is, "Eli is the greatest and I am a nerd."

Me: ahahahaa