Sam

Scene: the dinner table mid-dinner somewhere between threat and punishment number 11 all geared toward Samuel (4 years old).

Me: Sam! Sit UP, son. Have manners or leave my table.
Sam: (in a super sweet voice, just quiet enough to blend in with the other three conversations happening at my table) you are stupid.
Me: (eyes narrow, teeth clench, spanking hand revs up!)WHAT did you just say to me?
Sam: (in an even sweeter OH-how-I-love-you-voice)You are pretty. (followed by the smile of innocent)
Me: I do NOT think you just said that. I THINK you said a bad word, and if you do NOT stop talking like that you WILL find a bar of soap in your mouth.
Sam: (suddenly sober and straight faced) OK. sorry.
My husband: (crawls into his shirt so he can laugh hysterically for the entire conversation.)
Me: (heavy sighs directed at both of them.)

Don't Ask if You Don't Want to Know

I often tell my children not to ask questions if they don't want to know the answers. Do I look cute? Well, I would change....
Do these jeans make my butt look fat? A little.
Do you think I am rude? Sometimes.
DON'T ASK if you don't want to know. This is a motto that could never be said enough. So, when the douche bags at Bank of America asked me what I thought of my last customer service experience, I told them:

Over a decade ago, Bank of America "shined" when money was taken out of my account by mistake (YOUR mistake, not mine) and my checks bounced. That happens. Computers get crazy. What is not OK is how little your bank was willing to do to help. I worked hard to let everyone I know how little I care for your style of banking.

Now, against our wishes, you acquired our loan when our original lender went out of business. My husband and I are full-time students. We have five small children, and I work part-time as a teacher. My husband has served as a firefighter and a city worker for the previous seven years. We do not pay bills late. We teach our children that integrity and character are a person's greatest assets. Our reward for choosing to live this way is your customer service. Super. My husband was laid off from the fire department. I called to see if there was any help you had to offer, and instead you made me speak to the most unhelpful person birthed in all of America. I asked to speak to a supervisor or manager and was told there was nothing she could do. (Just so we are clear, that is why I asked to speak to a supervisor or manager.)

My favorite moment may have been when I explained our situation, and she repeatedly told me the only help she could offer me was 31% off of my bill. WOW!? I thought, really? Oh, wait, she followed that up EVERY time with, but you do not qualify for that. Hmmmm. Maybe I am not understanding. So, I repeated what she said to me, and she replied something along the lines of yes, that is what I can offer you, only you don't qualify. I asked how I would have qualified, and she said if only we had taken our loan out in January rather than April. I don't actually know what this means. Does the month of my application alter the level of need?

I don't mean to brag, but I am fairly educated, but I was not able to make sense of what she was offering me. She had no answers; how am I supposed to have answers? I am not a trained Bank of America employee, but clearly if she is the standard by which I have to appear successful, maybe I could be, even without training. Her final word on the matter was her willingness to help us make a payment plan for all of our late payments. Well, thanks, but remember when we don't have any? So you can pat yourselves on the back that you have yet again been unhelpful. You have AGAIN proven that you are the sort of company that cares more about the money and working the system in your favor than your customers. And, my parting words will be thank you for being consistent. I wish I could think of something more, but I was also raised to say nothing if the only thing you can think of is rotten.

The end.

Damn You Auto Correct

So, I firmly believe God saves really funny finds for the low times. I cannot say how many times I am laughing so hard I am crying as I read through this blog. It's a place for people to post funny accidental auto-corrects that happen on their iPhones. OH so inappropriate. This one may be my new favorite.

Frugal MaGoo

That's my code name.

My friend Jessica Locke introduced me to the world of couponing on a whole new level. She invited me over for a one on one tutorial of how to work the neighborhood Walgreens for the best deals. There is some planning involved, but these crazy ladies make it a lot easier. Check out these websites for some smokin' deals:

Totally Target
Wild for Wags
Discount Queens
Frugal Coupon Living

These are my favorite. There are some repeat deals, but worth looking into. Now that The Man is nearing the receipt of his final paycheck, I am trying to do whatever I can to lessen our bills. Turns out, we paid as little as possible for several perks in our house. Since we are in contracts with several of them, I am trying to find other ways to cut corners. I am working on paying little or no money for toiletries, cleaning supplies, and medicine. I have done two shopping trips to Walgreens, and here is the damage I have done:

• 2-packs Jello (what!? Can we have NO luxuries?!)
• 1-9pack roll of toilet paper-Quilted Northern, the good stuff
• 2- jars Jiff peanut butter
• 1-pack floss
• 2- Tilex bathroom cleaners
• 1- 27 pack of Goody Ouchless Black rubberbands
• 1-6oz tube of Colgate Total toothpaste
• 2- 3-in-1 Purex laundry detergent-softener-dryer sheet (40 loads worth)
• 1- 60 count pack of bobby pins
• 1-18pk feminine hygiene products
• 1-pack "special lotion" (WHAT!? CAN we have NO luxuries?!)
• 1- Dove deodorant
• 1-package of old school emery boards
• 4- boxes of Kleenex

TOTAL= $43.88

Savings= $38.23

The only things on here that are purchases I would not normally have done were the Jello, which after two coupons, cost me $1 altogether and the Purex laundry detergent, which I got totally free. This is where my friend Amanda Volpa would say, "Bazinga."

Keep the Sabbath

Keeping the Sabbath is vital to my well-being. It's vital to yours as well or the Bible wouldn't tell you to be a part of it. Actually, it says to remember it. So, each Sunday, I relax, rest, remember, reflect, and usually I read. Today I am sort of doing all of those. Yesterday, my shuggah-mamma, Erin H. agreed to peruse the book store with me. Then, she bought me books and a desk-top Office quote of the day calendar. One of the books is by a favorite author, Rob Bell. This one is called Drops Like Stars. I started it when I got home today, and I finished it about an hour later just before I dozed for a nap. Also very sabbathy. Here is the best quote from the book (He is talking about pain and agony in everyday life and how that correlates with Jesus' sacrifice):

It's there, in the agony of those moments, that we get the first glimpses of just what it looks like for God to take all of our trauma and hurt and disappointment, all those fragments lying there on the ground, and turn them into something else, something new, something we never would have been able to create on our own.

It's in that place that we're reminded that true life comes when we're willing to admit that we've reached the end of ourselves, we've given up, we've let go, we're willing to die to all of our desires to figure it out and be in control. WE LOSE OUR LIFE, ONLY TO FIND IT.

The end.

Psalm 127

For anyone who doubts that reading your Bible is not worth the time, I have to disagree. Now, I know what you are thinking, "Of course reading the Bible is worth my time." But tomorrow morning you follow that up with, "UGH, I just don't have time to read my Bible." Sort of two different sentences, but sort of not.

We all have the same amount of time, really. It's what we put as our greatest priority that gets our resources, time, focus, and energy. I say all of this not to point fingers (although mocking IS one of my gifts), but to give you the opportunity to call me a loser to my face when, in a couple weeks, I say, "MAN, I have been having a hard time making time to read my Bible." You will know that, that translates to, "I am so awesome; reading the Bible isn't worth my time." (Insert long, stoopid faced sighing.) This morning, I am being honest with my cool level. It is low. Oh so low. So I read my Bible. Psalm 127 and laughed at how blunt God can be to let me know he is talking to me. Then I was encouraged, which is just what I was looking for.

Psalm 127 (The Message)

A Pilgrim Song of Solomon (to be fair not everyone agrees he wrote this.)

^1-2 If God doesn't build the house, the builders only build shacks.
If God doesn't guard the city,
the night watchman might as well nap.
It's useless to rise early and go to bed late,
and work your worried fingers to the bone.
Don't you know he enjoys
giving rest to those he loves?

^3-5 Don't you see that children are God's best gift?
the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
Like a warrior's fistful of arrows
are the children of a vigorous youth.
Oh, how blessed are you parents,
with your quivers full of children!
Your enemies don't stand a chance against you;
you'll sweep them right off your doorstep.

I want God to be the lone builder of this establishment. Therefore, I must seek. He promises me peaceful sleep and reminds me my children are a true gift.
I am blessed; my quiver is bursting at the seems.

Now, I get to go encourage and love others. Also, I am going to remember to count my blessings. I should have plenty of time to do this because God is my protector, my provider, my God. I do not trust in him in vain.

Doubt

OH THE DOUBT.
Where do you stuff it when it is too big to fit anywhere inconspicuously?
So, suckiness is happening. My first reaction is a desperate need to have an answer to the questions.

Then, I said, "Lord help me not to need answers."
This is the toughest spot I have ever found myself in. God has equipped me to be a problem solver, a leader, a go-getter, a warrior, a take-no-crap-from-nobody girl. He has also created me just as he created everyone else: in need of Him alone.

So as I look around me, I am scrambling to find that sweet spot in the center of the scales. That place that I can remain without tipping the balance too far in my direction. That place that means I give over and give in so I can lean in to God and not on me. That place that seems impossible to see because I am clouded. I can only see immediate and worry. I want to see that place. I am afraid it isn't going to come in one sweeping movement though. It is likely to come in super small steps and be there long before I realize. That is usually how it works. I cannot do that; I can only be available for that.
So, I just get to do what I can to keep on that path. I just get to be obedient in the little things. This is where my scandalous friends would tell me to pull up my big girl panties and deal.

Well, I AM DOIN' IT! Don't watch though. I don't do well with an audience.

Meloncholy- My Man Got Laid Off Today. Big Sigh.

So many times when you go through tough times you hear people say really great encouraging words. You may even think them yourself. You may do a good job at keeping perspective. You may have great faith and confidence in what God has for you. And still, you can feel melancholy through it all.

It's good to remember that having strong faith in God's plans for you doesn't mean you have to be an annoying cheer leader or super bubbly all of the time. You don't have to have an incessant fake smile on your face.

You can be sad. You can grieve for what you have lost. You can need some time to just be. You can do all of this and still BE all of that up there. There is certainly a fine line between this behavior and really falling off the edge into depression. This melancholy is short lived; it's a healing process- not a check out.
So for now, I want to just be melancholy and wait for God to do what he is gonna do.

Conversations With Addison (the crazy one)

Addison: If Justin Beiber lived with us, and our house was really old and small, he would design my new room and I would love it.
Me: um. I feel weird.
Addison: swooon.

Storm by Lifehouse

how long have i been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
waters getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if i could see you
this darkness would turn into light

and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

i know you didn't bring me out here to drown
so why am i ten feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause i'm so used to living underneath the surface

if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if i'd see you
this darkness would turn into light

and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright

and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and now everything is alright
everything's alright

Pictures of Happiness

Elijah and Samuel trying on hats. Fit like a glove, clearly. We had a race the entire trip to see if the girls could ever make it out of the bathrooms before the boys. The only time we thought we had won, we sat smug and excited outside the bathrooms. About five minutes later, we realized the boys were in the store next to us doing this. Losers. I mean stupid kids. I mean weirdos. I mean..never mind. I have competition issues.

OK, this doesn't show up so much in the pictures, but the resemblance between the teeth on these two is UNcanny. Unreal. They are brothers. Clearly.

I don't understand what Samuel thinks I am saying, but when I say, "SAY Happy DISNEYland," so that everyone is smiling on the word happy, he must hear, "Sam, be as weird as possible." To which he internally replies, "check."

This was such a fun, and long awaited, trip. We are a tad poorer, but with all the pending rottenness coming up, I wouldn't have done anything differently.

I Am

going to attempt to run three miles tomorrow. Some of you are thinking big deal. You people clearly don't know my limits. You people clearly have not seen me run. It will not be pretty, but I am going to run for three miles. There is a chance I will die directly afterward. It has been swell. Good night and big balls.

NO pictures just yet

BUT here are a couple of tidbits from our trip:

the drive there wasn't as terrible as we thought it would be.
the ride home was.
Big Thunder Mountain was the favorite roller coaster of the weekend. Loved by even the smallest little Brewer.
EVERYONE agreed Pirates was the best ride EV.ER.
Mickey Mouse ice cream heads are from Jesus.
Four year olds are still grumpy even in the happiest place on earth.

Conversation recap between The Man and Sam Fisher (4) after eating ice cream-
The Man: Sam, you have ice cream in your nose. How do you get ice cream IN your nose?
Sam: Do you really want to know?

They do not sell spanking spoons or harnesses at the happiest place on earth.
My teenager isn't a punk whilst in the happiest place on earth.
Five is a lot of kids, but one more would have made for a lot less hassle when we were trying to figure out who was riding with whom every half hour. Someone was always left alone.


Conversation recap between The Man and Sam Fisher (4) while driving over hill and dale along the 395-
Sam: WHOA those hills almost make my wiener tickle!!!
later on one of the rides in a not at all quiet voice-
Sam in fits of giggles- That one really DID make my wiener tickle!!

In vehicle dvd players are from Jesus.
We make sad faces when our favorite rides are closed: Splash Mountain and Mickey's Toontown.
Fireworks at the happiest place on earth are the best in the world.
Captain Jack is still sort of hot even in wax form.

What Are You Doing This Weekend?

WEEEE are going to this place. See you later alligators.

Why I Like Mike #27

Right now we are in bed with our laptops on our...well, our laps after a long night of studying. He has taken a break to:

google my name- he is clearly impressed by how many pages I take up.
play hearts on his 'puter
and, check out The Pioneer Woman website.

He is mine ladies. back off.

2011

My list of things that will change in the coming year seems so much smaller than usual. One year, The man and I rattled on for hours of all the things that would happen. I guess the only thing I can figure is I am focused. This year marks the beginning and end of a few major events.

This year

I will graduate AGAIN, but this time I will be a master. (If I only had a wand!!)

My husband will become a paramedic/firefighter

My husband will either lose his job, or he will keep it. Either way that's a big deal.

My children will all become school aged children. My baby will turn five.

That means he will start kindergarten.

We will be involved in some capacity in a mission trip to Africa.

My daughter will become a teenager. A real one. Sigh. I am not ready for this.

The Squirrel will get her two front teeth.

and, I will run a half-marathon (and by run, I mean ride the pony called the sag wagon over the finish line.) Please, call me Forrest.

What have you got planned for this year? Make it a good one.

Mini Sermon- Jesus Shaves*

My mom is a pastor, so sometimes I find myself mimicking her. Other times, I find myself with my hand on my hip yelling at kids. Also a learned trait from that lady. Both are dangerous, and for neither am I qualified.

Anyway, I was reading my Bible, and I wrote a little something that seems worth sharing. Let's face it, I think everything I think is worth sharing. I try to filter for your benefit. Also, if I didn't filter, I would never get anything done around here.

I am reading through the psalms. Currently, I am on 96. The message in this passage nicely reflects what I feel God is asking of me and what the answers I feel I received during Sunday's teaching. Pastor talked about something, and I heard, "Be obedient in the little things." I wrote that down. Then this morning, I revisited questions I posed in my journal and realized this is indeed my answer. My questions have all been basically similar.

*How long can a human possibly wait for answers?

*When Joshua led his men into battle and asked God to make the sun stand still so they could win the fight as God said they would, they marched all night. What does walking all night look like for me right now?

*Can a person wait audaciously? hmmmm.

My answer- be obedient in the little things. Here is the list I want to press into:

faithful to tithe no matter how scary the job front begins to look.

pray, always

bible and study time, daily and with others

worship time, actual singing

serving, when and where are up to God. Then I just do it.

give glory to God and tell everyone I know everything God is doing in my life.


Then, today I read Psalm 96. Funny the way God works in encouragement and confirmation. Verse 7 begins:

Ascribe to the Lord, O families of nations (that means all of us. If you live in a nation, this is directed at you. The word "ascribe" is translated from the word "YAHAB" which means provide or give. So GIVE to the Lord. Do it. Give. Tithe, time, praise, GIVE. Ascribe. Yahab.)
Ascribe to the Lord glory and strength (Give the Lord the credit for the good in your life. Especially if you are going to blame him and yell at him when things don't go according to the plan your pea brain came up with. I am not judging. We all have pea brains.

Give glory, THEN give him the room to be powerful in your life. If you enter every prayer or time of worship defeated, your worship is going suck and not be so pleasing to God. Picture your kids on Christmas morning. Could you imagine how irritated you would be if you worked so hard to coordinate this amazing Christmas for your children, up all hours shopping and wrapping, fighting through holiday traffic to get them exactly what they will love, and come Christmas morning you are met with grouching, feet sluffing, and gripes that your presents weren't exactly what they had in mind EVEN before they know what you have to give!? There is a good chance I would be so mad I would punch a kitten, but not God. He is patient while we are sluffing our feet, whining so loudly about defeat and frustration that we miss EVERY other thing he is doing in our lives. Choose to no longer be this guy. Make a list, visit a country where they have NEVER had the things you are whining about losing or that you don't have; learn to see the blessings surrounding you RIGHT now. I guess this means snow tires and a TV should not be what's getting me down. bah. Lamentations 3:22 tells us we will struggle and be frustrated, but we will not be consumed. God's pretty good at keeping his promises.)
Ascribe to the Lord glory due his name: bring an offering and come into his courts (Glory due his name seems something I cannot possibly give to God. Anytime I feel remotely close, I become speechless, overwhelmed with God's grace, and I cry. So good luck with that one. Ascribe him glory AND bring him an offering. That isn't limited to money. This giving applies to your entire life. Even the life you like to keep separate from church. I hate to tell you that there really is no such thing, but THAT is a can o'worms I can't get into. How's your offering looking? What is your output? your fruit? your greatest treasure? There your heart's focus lies.)

Later in this psalm, it says the world is firmly established, it cannot be moved. In addition to thinking of the giant in Princess Bride, I am thinking this means God wins, so we can stop worrying.

*This picture is dedicated to Erin Harrison and her brother Brian, who is the second funniest person I know. My bother still holds that trophy. This is one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

Maybe You Didn't Know

*I do not love taking baths. I only take them when it kills me too much to put down the book I am reading. Then, I'll stay in there 'til I am pruny.

*When I was a kid, I wanted to have ten kids. Almost there. But, I only wanted boys. Girls were weird, and I had the coolest brothers ever.

*I do not wish on shooting stars. I just don't.

*I was seven when God impressed upon me to become a teacher.

*I wish I had more time to cook. I am pretty decent at it, and I completely enjoy blessing my family by filling them full of good food.

*Along those lines, I LOVE aprons. I especially love vintage looking ones.


*I do NOT think it is ever appropriate for men to wear sweats. They are terrible honestly for anyone, but when men wear them I gag.

*I love musicals. I want to see a real Broadway, in New York musical. I would fly there JUST to see one, but I figure why not throw in a romantic vacay with The Man while I am at it?

*I would have been good on Broadway. I mean, except for the fact that I have retched stage fright, can't remember lines, and cannot act remotely. If my life would take place in opposite land, I would have loved to be in musicals.

*I want to vacation in Alaska. They have a train there that takes you on a scenic tour for a couple'a days. They have sleeping compartments and food trains. I want to go ice climbing and hiking and take a boat out on the water and sleep in a super great cabin.

*I think photographs are the best decorations a home can have. They should be ever to show the stages and memories of family life.

*I know how to properly use a semi-colon; people who don't should learn or use a period.

*I think cruises are weird. I guess I would go on one with The Man, but I would prefer to skip the boat and fly right to the destination.

*I think vacations to third world countries is a bizarre concept. I don't want to rest up in a place where I can't drink the water. Or where you have to walk by a puddle of hepatitis water whenever you go out.

*I am a history nerd. Completely. It's why I prefer the Old Testament. I could read a history text book and call it entertaining.

Beauty. For Realz

Some people are attractive. Some people have a dynamic personality. Some people are pretty or handsome and simply pleasant to look at. Then there is Miss Layla Grace. She is beauty for realz. She is 8. Has feet nearly the same size as me. Has the height of many grown women. And she has the most attractive personality I have ever seen in a kid. She is the sort of kid who moves mountains with her faith. She is the sort of kid, who at four years of age, was found lying on the grocery store floor smooching a picture of Zac Efron. She is the sort of kid everyone wants to be friends with, even adults. I have to remind her that she is 8 because she regularly slips into circles of adult conversation. She wants to adopt every orphan, knit everyone she knows a scarf and hat, and go to Africa to help build an orphanage and play soccer with the children. She needs to snuggle with at least one person every day. When childless men, content to have zero responsibilities, are near her, they agree to have kids if they are identical to Layla Grace. She loves Jesus in an amazing way. She is beauty for realz.

Sun Stand Still

This book I am reading is called Sun Stand Still, and it is written by a pastor by the name of Steven Furtick. Furtick, that's fun to say. ALMOST as fun as Francisco.

Anyway, he is challenging the crap out of my life right now. He says we need to have audacious faith. I love that word because it is an excellent throw back to my childhood. Here are a couple quotes:

-If the size of your vision for your life isn't intimidating to you, there's a good chance it's insulting to God.

-[Just like the Israelites] There is an exceedingly good land that you're meant to occupy.

- God isn't intimidated by long shot prayers.

I am halfway through this book. I started it yesterday morning, and I plan on finishing it by tomorrow, probably during my dentist appointment. Because of this book, and the words I feel God wants me to hear, I have made a few changes.

1. I have committed to run a 1/2 marathon with three of my closest friends in June, and I know without a doubt that God will give me what it takes to complete it.

2. No matter where I am, I will be content because there I have God. The end.

3. When it comes to provision, I have no fear. None. So you can (say it with me if you have heard this one before) suck it satan.

4. I am choosing to be content with wherever God has me- city, state, church, work- content.

5. Like Michael Scott declaring bankruptcy, I am going to shout it out and be bold in my prayers. I don't fully know what that looks like, but that's exactly what I intend to find out. I am going to do it, even if it means I pray to walk on water or ask the sun to stand still so I can rightfully claim the promises God has given me.

One of the chapter subtitles in this book is "The Audacity to Ask." That is what plan to have- the audacity to ask. I have only gain to look forward to because the Bible says so. Life to the fullest, standing on God's promises, plans to prosper me, Jesus loves me this I know: these are all reminders of my inheritance. I just have to stand up and take it.

word to your mother.