Seizing Is Not The Same as Seizure

Sure these two words share a root, but so do koalas and kangaroos. This past week, I have been processing and asking and questioning and releasing in my conversations with God. We have lived in Idaho for almost a year now, and well. It hasn't stuck as quickly as Reno.

In Reno, we went to a church my brother recommended. They had me at free Krispie Cream donuts and coffee. Plus, the pastor actually seemed to be good at what he does. We fit. We just knew it was gonna fit like OJ when he tried on some gloves. Only we saw no need to weasel out of it. We were thrilled. I met two of my closest friends instantly. One is only a blog lurker (dear Ms. Marie. come out of the interwebs closet. We all know you are on here), the other has quite a mouth on her. Everything about the city was great. It was as if we were in a bowl with Reno and someone just added water. Presto Zingo. Instant happiness.

Years went by, and my husband lost his job, and he was offered a new job as a really hot fire fighter in Idaho. We accepted and set about to finding a church and adding water. But instead of instant happiness, our eyes were opened to how good we really had it. Presto Zingo. thump. My head beating against the wall.

I spent a lot of time comparing. I spent a lot of time griping. I spent a lot of time fighting tears. I spent a lot of time spazzing out and lashing out irrationally. Thankfully, God can handle my spastic fits.

Then I realized seizing is not the same as seizures. They may share a root word, but then the similarities end. Whining, tantrums, pity parties, and vocal aggravation: these are things that lead to seizures. Focusing on God's promises of fulfillment for my life, accepting where God has me, and leaning fully on his understanding (rather than my teeny tiny perspective): that's seizing!! It happened this week.

I became content with God's portion and his cup. I realized his lot for me has fallen on pleasant places. I was able to truly thank God for moving us here. I don't think I compared my two cities once. I let Reno go, like ripping that last little part of the bandaid off. And I was OK.

Why does it seem that just when you get comfortable, the rug gets pulled out? About 8 seconds after my bandaid was removed and my contentment washed over me, God said, "Hey, now that we have that covered..."

'It was like that old joke, "All those who think they have it made take one step forward...not so fast George Banks!"'

I am George Banks in this scenario. Only, when I  started processing again I was angry and I accused God of yo-yo'ing me around. AH. God is so good. He didn't even roll his eyes at my stupidity.

It isn't God that's in control of that yo-yo. He is not a yo-yo kind of guy. He may own cattle on a thousand hills, but he doesn't have a yo-yo. No my friend, that childish game is all mine. All me.

That nauseating back and forth of highs and lows is actually my faith. Not God's faithfulness. He is solid and steady and dependable and right and real. And that blasted string is affixed so tightly to my finger. And, honestly, I don't want it to go.

WHAT? I know what you are thinking. Who wants to live life like a yo-yo? But I need to remember what the yo-yo is like, so I don't ever want to go back. Rather than yanking the string off completely, I am asking God to snip it, just enough to leave that little string tied to my finger. And, I am telling God that I am up for anything. ANYthing. Because I totally trust him.

Lord, I totally trust you.

satan. Suck it. I hope you choke on a yo-yo.



 

Sun Stand Still

This book I am reading is called Sun Stand Still, and it is written by a pastor by the name of Steven Furtick. Furtick, that's fun to say. ALMOST as fun as Francisco.

Anyway, he is challenging the crap out of my life right now. He says we need to have audacious faith. I love that word because it is an excellent throw back to my childhood. Here are a couple quotes:

-If the size of your vision for your life isn't intimidating to you, there's a good chance it's insulting to God.

-[Just like the Israelites] There is an exceedingly good land that you're meant to occupy.

- God isn't intimidated by long shot prayers.

I am halfway through this book. I started it yesterday morning, and I plan on finishing it by tomorrow, probably during my dentist appointment. Because of this book, and the words I feel God wants me to hear, I have made a few changes.

1. I have committed to run a 1/2 marathon with three of my closest friends in June, and I know without a doubt that God will give me what it takes to complete it.

2. No matter where I am, I will be content because there I have God. The end.

3. When it comes to provision, I have no fear. None. So you can (say it with me if you have heard this one before) suck it satan.

4. I am choosing to be content with wherever God has me- city, state, church, work- content.

5. Like Michael Scott declaring bankruptcy, I am going to shout it out and be bold in my prayers. I don't fully know what that looks like, but that's exactly what I intend to find out. I am going to do it, even if it means I pray to walk on water or ask the sun to stand still so I can rightfully claim the promises God has given me.

One of the chapter subtitles in this book is "The Audacity to Ask." That is what plan to have- the audacity to ask. I have only gain to look forward to because the Bible says so. Life to the fullest, standing on God's promises, plans to prosper me, Jesus loves me this I know: these are all reminders of my inheritance. I just have to stand up and take it.

word to your mother.

I came across a question today that startled me and got me thinking. Here it is:

If we are too busy to intentionally teach our children that absolute truths exist,
what might the consequences be?

Yikes. Then I began thinking, what happens when I look back and I forgot to
intentionally teach them about God in real, practical ways? I have done so
much with Izzy, Eli, and Layla Grace, but I know lately I have not been as frank
about things. Like beans. And what it means to love your neighbor. And what
God has planned for them...

Which one of these faces am I willing not to see in heaven? Stupid question,

I know, but that is basically what I am saying when I let day after day go by

without being in their face about how much God loves them. Tick-Tock. Time

is flying by.

Fall is Around the Corner

How do I know fall is coming? My senses tell me so.

Smells: Pumpkin spice surrounds me via candles and lattes. Cinnamon is donning the grocery store shelves as it is smothered on pine cones. My fave.

Sights: My burning maple tree has beautiful red leaves mixed with the green now. My burning bushes are bright red. Stunning. School supplies are everywhere and "If I knew your address, I would send you a bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils." Three less children, except when I work at school with them.

Tastes: um. hello. I already TOLD you- pumpkin spice lattes. Baked goods al'a Auntie Mel are making chubbier. DARN YOU MELISSA AND YOUR SCRUMPTIOUS BAKED GOODS!!

Sounds: quiet. Last night, at 7:30, my herd of children were loaded into jammies and bed leaving my husband and I to snuggle under my ever-christmas lights and the glow of the television. It was excellent. Seriously excellent.

Touch: snuggling. Occasionally the weather in Reno will freak out early and give us a random chilly day. Those days I make Moby Richard sit on my feet and my children snuggle with me under my favorite family heirloom quilt.

The Sixth Sense: I see dead people...wait. sorry. never mind.

Age:32
Occupation: Wife, mom to many, student, substitute teacher
Marital Status: Very Married, iykwim
Reside: Reno, the awesomest place in Nevada

I am a wife. That makes me happy.

I was asleep, but God thinks it's funny to wake me often with other's prayer needs. I need less dysfunctional friends.

I think raspberries and chocolate are the yummiest combo.

I know God has big plans for my family or he wouldn't have made so many of us.

I wonder if I will be of the 50 %of teachers who quit in their first five years.

I hope I can get a job when I finally graduate.

I wish I could be home with my kids AND work as a teacher.

I save every letter or little note from my husband- even scratch paper goodbyes. I have 15 years worth.

I can live without high maintenance people.

I can't wait for Christmas this year. So much family and my kids are all big enough for it to be great!

I have too many things I want to do with my day. Play guitar, stay in bed with my husband all day, snuggle with my children in front of the television, homework, read, responsibilities, quilt, scrap, be outside, hang out with friends, travel, etc..............

I believe my husband and I can get out of debt if we listen to God more closely.

I promise to never let a green bean grace these lips. (except for when they are hidden in lumpia)

I want to stop being such a procrastinator and be better organized.

I realized I am not nearly thankful enough to God for my life.

Still, it's a good life.

Timeline

One minute ago: I was checking my emails, reconnecting with a friend I haven't heard from for a while. Her baby just started 7th grade. sniff.

One hour ago: I was doing chores so my husband will come home to a loving, cleanish house.

One day ago: I was in my last night of my Children's Literature class. The countdown is on! 11 months!

One week ago: I was staying up late, visiting with some Vegas friends. I was so busy praying that they would move here, I didn't really hear anything they said the whole time they were here. snicker. I was so sad to see them go. sigh.

One month ago: I was cleaning my house to get it ready for our new roomies, who I love, oh so much. Especially on the nights they make dinner.

One year ago: I was just beginning my Junior year of university, so excited to finally be learning something that seemed appropriate to my future career. I was also settling into our first fall here in this house. Happiness.

One decade ago: I had one baby, lived in an apartment in Vegas, never saw my husband because of his insane work schedule, and was already starting to listen to God about Reno.

Problems

The problem with loyalty is there is little room for practicality. What I mean is when one is loyal to something or someone, and the instance arises to change being loyal to do what is best, it is difficult for that one person to make the change. I am a loyal person. I am having a difficult time choosing what is best for myself over what I am loyal to. Sometimes I wish my husband was more controlling and would just make my decisions for me. Sigh. No, no I don't, but you know what I mean.

Last Summer

We were anxious for the school year to start as usual, but it was more because last year was Eli and Layla's first year in school!

We were trying our hardest to get to the Thursday night Farmer's Market in Sparks, but never made it, not once, because we were too poor.

Enjoying our new house.

Loving Mike's new-ish job of being a fire fighter.

Scrounging enough money to send me to visit my fam in Virginia.

Wishing more of my friends would move here.

THIS SUMMER

we are just as anxious for school to start, but more so because one summer may just be too much to spend with so many little kids.

Still determined to make it to the Farmer's Market.

Still loving our new house, but focusing on the backyard instead of the front as much.

Taken to praying more often than daily about Mike's job stability (we are still waiting to hear if his job is secure.)

SOOO HAPPY our fam in Virginia decided to move here instead :)


Still praying more of our friends move here, but happy that so many of them love Reno enough to visit often. (Boardman, it's been longer than a month. When are you visiting?)

Love Hate Relationship

I have a love/hate relationship with being in the forefront. A lie, right? lol I can hear you all now. If I were six, I would say I like being the center of attention, but now that I am grown, I know accountability comes with being upfront.

It's a lot of pressure. Sometimes I think it would be easier to melt into the background than to put my self out there. But God doesn't reside in the background when he has called you upfront. Sigh.

Every time I take one of those spiritual gifts tests my results

are relatively the same. I was probably 17 when I took one the

first time. It said I should be a pastor. I said no thanks, and tried

to convince the paper in front of me and my then pastor that it

was confusing bossiness with leadership skills.

This time, I was glad to see pastoring moved down

a bit on the list. The five gifts tied for first place are just

as daunting, but I feel more accurate.

• Wisdom


• Faith


• Prophecy


• Exhortation (that one is iffy, as most of you know I lack the caring bone)


• Writing

I wouldn't say I am good at any of these, but I am

willing to work on them. I am interested to see what

your gifts are. There may be a better test out there,

but since the members at our church are so dependent

on Google, I went with the first one that came up on the search engine.

This is What I Want to Get Back To

These things make me happier.

Why I Like Mike # 23

He knows how to handle me. In the previous month,
I have been in the strangest bubble. I noticed it, but I wasn't
sure anyone else did. Of course My Husband did. What was I thinking?
It's what I like about him today. He notices me. Then he
let's me be.
The attacks on my household have been mind bottling (heh)
in this past month. I am severely aware at how clearly God
has been protecting my children, the prayers he has answered,
and the guarding he has provided. Still, I recently noticed
I am living in self protection mode. At every second of my day
I am either listening to music or reading a book, trying
to tune so much out. To keep my focus small. It's bizarre.
I do these things normally, but not in the desperate, needing way
I have lately. It is unsettling, but I still attribute it to
self preservation.
But, I noticed the other day, that The Man just let me be.
He didn't try to fix me, he didn't judge me, he didn't ask more of me.
I like him. And, I need more of what I see in this picture. So tomorrow
we are dating ;) yeessssss!

Rough Day

So many things go through your mind when you have to take your child to the emergency room. Today I had to take Eli into the ER because he showed up at my bedside in hysterical tears. After a lot of other symptoms I will spare you from reading about, it became apparent that something real was happening.

At the end of the day, the doctor mostly ruled out appendicitis, but said it could be an infection, or not. As helpful as all that is, I am grateful.

I am grateful for my son.
I am grateful for my husband's job and the fact that he was free to leave whenever he needed to without feeling pressure.
I am grateful to God for insurance.
I am grateful to God for my neighbor and sister who were both willing to drop everything and just help.
I am grateful that I am a mother and get to experience life, no matter how painfully real, with my children.
I am grateful for the staff at the hospital that talked my son out of a panic attack (literally) over his fear of all things needle.
I am grateful that my kids didn't see me cry today.
I am grateful that I can make a couple calls and know that people are willing to grab a knee immediately to pray for my children.
I am grateful that God chose me- his peace was overwhelming today.

This Week I Realized

I have 18 months left of school

I LOVE playing guitar

Playing guitar while singing is a mite difficult

I do not, even a little, enjoy teaching middle school PE

I want to work with ESL students and get my masters in ESL Education

I can do just that in 18 months and totally online

When I think I only have a few days to eat junk food, I eat a lot of junk food

Someone should do a remake of Leavin' On a Jet plane


I like my kids more than other people's kids most of the time; they are cool and amusing.

*family photo taken by Jessie The Bird

Joseph of Arimethea

There are certain characters in the bible that strike me. Joseph of Arimethea is one of those. I was listening to a book on tape the other day (a fiction novel called The Centurion's Wife), and the character of Joseph of Arimethea got choked up over his remembering his experience of bringing Jesus' body to his tomb. I read a little more about it, and there really isn't much that I would count as biblically accurate. So much of it is holy grail business and Catholic information. I am sure some of it was written with great motive, but I am not Catholic, so I can't quite get into it.
Anyway, I got choked up myself when I started picturing the process of Joseph claiming Jesus' body, the process of him preparing the body, and his motives behind it all.
I can't seem to grasp what it would have been like to carry the body of Christ after what he just went through and knowing it was all for me. It must have been cold. Did Joseph go alone? Did he have help? Was he a rich overseer through the whole process? Or, was it his hands that did all those things?
Suddenly confessing that he was a Christ follower after years of silence must have been a heavy burden to unload. This guy was not some poor guy from out of nowhere. He had a reputation, and a long career ahead of him. What was he thinking when he went to Pilate? Was he even worried about it anymore? I mean, he obviously cared about it yesterday. But now that his Lord was murdered, maybe he did it all to make up for his silence. Maybe he wasn't silent out of fear or small faith. Maybe there was more going on. No one really knows.
Then I think, did he do everything to make up for what he viewed as disloyal service to Christ? Give up his own tomb, request to bury Christ himself, reveal himself as a Christ follower?
I relate so well because of my motives. Sometimes I have to check my motives 50 times before I approach someone or make a decision. I usually call on those who know me best, because my concern is really a fancy word for judgement. Not always, but often enough to be revealed when I read a story about a guy named Joseph.

Extra Week

Because Christmas was on a Thursday, and I guess just the timing of everything, I feel like I have been given an extra week to end the year. It has given me time to reflect and fall in love a little deeper with my husband and my children. It has helped me to appreciate my extended family more (and just a little, appreciate that they live far away.) It has given me time to reflect on what God has called me to this past year. And, it has given me lots of time to play with my new Christmas toys :D
I hope you all feel this same sense of extra time. Real life goes on: people need to eat, nap, errands need to be run because no matter how many times I stop at Target OR the grocery store I can't seem to remember to buy my children toothpaste. BUT, if you have any free minutes. Read your bible, hug your kids, or read your bible to your kids while hugging them. Take pictures, eat treats, snuggle up to a movie or a good book: these are a few of my favorite things.