I Can't Get Past This

Because this isn't the only place I write, sometimes I get stuck on a thought and can't get past it. This is something I wrote a couple of weeks ago about a particular Sunday morning and my issues on said morning. Welcome to my issues. I tried to prepare you all for the real fact that I am crazy and usually rotten. I would say I told you so, but that may not help my case to make you love me anyway.

This Sunday I cried through worship. I cried through the teaching. All the while, I struggled with what I was upset about. Rather, I bounced between my issues. My struggles were three:

The country of Japan has been devastated by an earthquake. My heart was so heavy for their loss and confusion during this time. All through worship I pictured one person, no one in particular. I thought, if one person was standing among the sea of that devastation, if one person was willing to raise her hands and worship at the top of her lungs, if one person was willing to worship in the face of so much death, God would save them. He is a good God, so maybe he will save them anyway, but it reminds me of that story of Abraham. God wanted Abraham to go into the city and find someone, ANYone worth saving, and if that happened, he would not destroy the land. It didn't happen. He couldn't find even one who was worthy. But perhaps Japan has at least one person willing to say, "I love you, Lord. No matter what I see before me, no matter what the news tells me, no matter what my own understanding tries to make me believe, I love you, Lord." As I cried in church, I willed that one person to take a stand. I hope it happened.

Number two: a girl spoke today of her story of God's miraculous salvation. She was referring to her literal salvation of her life, not her soul. Now God has given her both. God healed her through a surgery and did it for free. Her story was so miraculous as she went from her literal death bed to the 6 o'clock news where she shared that she asked God for a miracle, and he said, "Sure. Thanks for asking." Her faith is bigger than mine. She is from the poor population of Indonesia. She has faced serious struggles. She has looked God and death head on and said her peace. She is a decade younger than me. Her faith is bigger than mine. I cried because when I again asked God to forgive me for my small faith and worry, he said yes. I said, "I am lame." He gave me a head pat and said, "I know." But he finished it with a smile that proves he loves me in spite of all that. I am grateful.

Third: I was mad. I do not get angry with God often. While I may tend to get quippy when I argue, it's a little disrespectful to be a smart pants to God, so I try to tone it down. Instead I made an angry face and yelled at him in my mind.

Me: WHAT is your plan?! I want answers.
God: I know.
Me: Great, so let's get this show on the road. This is very aggravating!!
God: I know.
Me: Good come back!!
God: I know.
Me: You are making me angry.
God: I know.
Me: You are asking too much of me.
God: I know.
Me: sorry I yelled, I was acting out.
God: I know.
Me: I am self absorbed. People are dying and lives are being devastated, and I am whining. I am sorry. I love you.
God: I know.
Me: Good come back. I mean it this time.
God: I know.