TwoGive and FourGet

Forgiveness is such a tricky thing. We all have to do it at some point, and we all beg for it at other times. Sometimes we aren't literally on our knees begging, but we can become consumed with needing or giving forgiveness. We dread our next meeting, we worry about running into that someone unexpectedly, we constantly play and replay the incident in our minds until we have either justified our actions or added more dramatic flair than a scene from Hairspray the musical. Or, if you are like me, you have sarcastic lines ready for anything the wrong-doer throws at you. I don't think this is how God intended me to use my gift of wit, but it happens. It then becomes up to me alone to choose my path. Both paths lead to the inevitable end where I meet Jesus, but one will take me the long way around (thanks for this phrasing Tom). I will have to crawl under things, over bumps, around rotten logs, maneuver over missing pieces in the path, and most likely stumble more than if I were on the path God originally intended for me. The good route sure may still be a little bumpy, and the Bible ensures me I will stumble at times, but this path is concise and close to God. The chances of me hearing God are far greater because there are less distractions. The path on the left offers serenity, whereas the path on the right offers obstacles. I am a great multi-tasker, but I will no doubt have a hard time focusing on God's still small voice while I am busy mumbling swears about the struggles I am going through. Okay, I am not really a swearer, but you know what I mean.
This Sunday we had a guest speaker. He isn't a guest really, but a guy who goes to our church every Sunday. I love that our Pastor chooses people like this when he is away because when you are part of the community you are speeching to, you know better what that community is going through. No vague sermon necessary. This one was all about prayer; a teaching I have heard various ways and times through my 27 years of attempting to be a Christian. My favorite part was the side bar.
Tom spoke of the Hebrews and their grumbling. The word he used is 'murmuring.' To put it not mildly, our church has been experiencing some changes and there is much murmur which, in my mind, leaves little room for prayers. Exodus tells us~ "And Moses said, This shall be, when the LORD shall give you in the evening flesh to eat, and in the morning bread to the full; for that the LORD hears your murmurings which you murmur against him: and what are we? your murmurings are not against us, but against the LORD." ew. ouch. dang it. That means when we gripe rather than pray, especially about our Pastor or church happenings, we aren't really grumbling about them at all. So every time I have complained about something my church is or isn't doing, every time I think of how much better I could be doing things, and every time I sit around with my friends and roll my eyes at how much the church spent on fill in the blank, I am really saying, "God, you seriously suck at this; I could do such a better job." Pride can be so big it hurts sometimes, huh?
For weeks I have been digesting the changes and the areas that sometimes bug me at church. I felt badly at first, but then someone wise reminded me questions aren't sinful. Doubting isn't even sinful. But what I do with it can be. Another dig into my giant pride again. Sucky. I am not through this trial. I am really in the middle of it, but I am past the deciding what to do phase and on to the start-moving stage. This seems to be the one that hurts the most. But I feel in order to keep my mind focused on being a non-grumbler and support my church, God is asking me to serve more. He said I am part of the problem because I am not part of the solution. To that I roll my eyes and say whatever, because I like to pout before I obey. Now that that is done, I am going to give a little more of myself to my church through prayer, participation, and leading where God wants me. Lucky for me, my pastor is out of town so I have a few days to stew over it before I really get started.