My Baby

When we found out we were pregnant with Layla Grace so soon after having Eli, I hate to say I was without happy words. Elijah was very sick as a peanut, and I was holding the fort as a single mom while my husband worked his tail off to provide for our family working 7 days a week and crazy hours. I struggled with God mentally the way Jacob wrestled with the angel. I couldn't understand how I was supposed to handle my husband gone so much, a newborn baby I was certain on some nights may not make it to the morning, a four year old, and now a new baby. I was angry and paranoid. I kept thinking, 'what if God is giving us this new baby because Eli is not going to make it?' After checking all of my options, I felt helpless enough to turn to God. He lead me right to the story of Hannah. It is such a short story, but one I am affected by every time I read it now. By the time I finished the story I was weeping and I knew we were supposed to name our new baby Samuel. Then we had our ultra sound and Samuel wasn't even in there! God healed my Elijah, Layla Grace was born, and we moved to Reno. Pregnant again, I was certain THIS was our Samuel. I prayed, reread the story meant just for me, and we had our ultra sound. Samuel was NOT even in there. Hmmm. Who even knew there would be one more. God HAD given us the name Samuel. I was certain of it. When we finally found our Samuel in our last ultra sound, our family seemed finished. So many times I whined and cried and yelled and mocked and was angry and hateful and disrespectful to my husband because I couldn't understand why he wouldnt go in for his vasectomy. I was mad he was not holding up what I thought should automatically be his end of the bargain. Hadn't I done enough? Instead, God allowed my husband to decide when my husband thought our family was complete. And because The Man didn't rush into something just because I thought it was best, we were finally blessed with our Samuel. Samuel Fisher was born two years ago today. We celebrated his birthday over ice cream sundaes and a movie in the back yard last night. I am so glad God knew what we wanted more than we did.