::sniff, sniff::

My baby isn't my baby any more. How sad.

Udderly Useless (I know how to spell the real word!)

So, today I practiced obvserving the Sabbath. In keeping with the movement about church and the message I agree God is speaking to our church I spent the morning with my family at church and opted to give up a few tasks I feel don't line up with ceasing. And, now that my day is done, I feel useless. I don't feel like I accomplished near enough, which I suppose is the point and the message Pastor Lou was trying to convey this morning. We are NOT loved according to our production level. So, today I was just loved. I loved my kids, cleaned a little house, watched movies, read my book, loved my kids some more, shared funny stories about my kids to my hubby once he got home from school, ate some popcorn, made dinner, looked at pictures of Sam's birth I just received from my SIL (thank you auntie mel)and invited my friend to join me for pilates tomorrow night. Okay, so I take it back. I was productive. I love it when God starts talking to me about something, and then it shows up in a sermon. It reminds me I am in the church family I am supposed to be in. But I don't so much like it when I keep hearing the same sermon over and over from various pastors or in my Bible reading. That just makes it clear that I really am not being the listener I am supposed to be :/ Baby steps into the elevator.

touchy touchy

I think it is amazing that people are content to go through everyday life without acknowledging God in anyway and then become offended when a 5 year old points out his thoughts on their beliefs. The other day, my son was talking to another of his buddies (6yrs.) and says "Kayla's parents don't believe in God." This in itself isnt bad, but when Kayla is standing right behind them and tears home screaming and crying, you know there are going to be issues.(for the record, this all happened on The Man's shift) KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. Apparently Kayla's mom had been bullying my son into confessing and he was fine with sharing his opinion with her. NIICE. He plainly stated that she doesn't believe in God. Wow. That didn't sit so well with her. She was ooh so angry and let my husband have the ole cat-fight-caplooey. Now, for any of you who actually know my husband you are wondering if he punched her in the neck when she got in his face, but you can lay your fears to rest. He was holding Sam in one hand and a bottle in the other. Her neck is fine. And my son had to apologize for voicing his opinion and mostly for trying to hide the fact that an irrate woman was standing in our lawn waiting to speak to his father. All is good...ish. She threatened to "not be so nice next time." Mike said "hey, okay." in his most smart allec voice. I am so glad our family has been able to stir things up in the name of God. @@

Just a wreck

This picture captures the very essence of my mood. I like the kind of people that surprise me by actually doing what they are supposed to do when they say they are going to do it. I am all for leniency, I am no where near a first born...well, I sleep next to one and unless osmosis is real, I am unaffected by his anal stick to the rules mentality. I recognize life gets in the way more than we care to admit, but don't you think there should come a time when you realize you are dragging others down with you and you gracefully pull your self away rather than waiting to crawl out from under the pile of others once you have knocked them down? HONESTLY! Know your limits. AAAAnd on another note...My name is pot, and you weeere Kettle? sigh I have issues. I know. I just needed to vent that and I feel better now. Thanks for being a pal. You really are a super listener

that dirty little finger

So the other day during our Bible lesson, I mentioned something about substitute words for rotten things we want to say but don't want to get into trouble for. Specifically we were discussing taking God's name in vain.
Because I THOUGHT! all of my children had heard that flipping the bird was inappropriate behavior and didn't think I was introducing anything new, I used it as a comparison. My finger is just my finger because I don't have secret potty mouth issues and I am not just saying I am giving you the one way sign to Jesus while getting out earlier aggression. (Although one time I flipped my brother the ring finger as I drove next to him on the freeway...he choked on his water, which is precisely the reaction I was looking for.) ANYWAY! Substitute words....so later that day I hear the usual "OOOH YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!" between the children. Apparently Layla Grace was giving Eli the ole read-between-the-lines sneaky finger. My discussion with her was brief and consisted of me saying sternly "Layla, God gave you those fingers for a reason, and it is your job to grow up and use them correctly."


With you, I have no idea what this means of course! If only you could have been in my mind. I was just cracking up at the whole idea of her flipping him off and feeling a lot of pressure to get the message across to all of the kids that this is not okay behavior! My sister said I should needlepoint it on a pillow. lol maybe. It WOULD take a really big pillow though.

Squeal Of FORTUNE

So you all know that I am waiting for The Wheel to call and give me my taping date right? I am getting so antsy. It wasn't bad when the reruns (what's a rerun?) were playing, but now that the new season has started I am as giddy as a school girl. ( I want to make love to a school boy! NO WAIT! I AM SO STUPID!) < that is a movie quote...they both are actually :)
After cleaning for a good seven hours today I thought I would reward myself with a little television. After all, I am supposed to be enjoying my Sabbath. And, because I am concerned with all things holy, it seems only natural to watch a weeks worth of Wheel of Fortune in one setting..at Tivo mode of course. :) what at treat!!

Lost in translation

For those of you who aren't familiar with American Idol or Carrie Underwood, she was last years winner? I think last year, anyway, she has a song out on country music radio called "Jesus Take the Wheel." Isabelle loves it, loves her, and I love her loving her because Carrie Underwood is a good little Christian girl. The other night at the dinner table Isabelle would randomly break into song JEEEEEsus take the wheeeeeel. So a few minutes into our meal Layla joined in, but when you are four the translation gets a little muffled. Here is Layla's version according to what each of us heard.

Mommy- Layla did you just say Jesus take the beer?
Daddy- no I think she said Jesus take the bill.
Isabelle- Oh, I thought she said Jesus take the pill!

Oh my

This is not my story, or the story of anyone I know, but I am sitting here cracking up reading it, so I thought I must share.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a Pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. the effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the devise and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time: I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit i thought about zapping gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant: a two-second burst was suppose to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer that three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference: pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I"ll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body clammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position , and a tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking, my face. undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again"
NOTE: if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-... that hurts like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching, My face felt like it has been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lips weighed 88 pounds. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Pray for your missionaries

Today during our school prayer time we took time to pray for all of the missionaries we know. We named everyone and the kids each picked one person and prayed for them specifically. Isabelle chose my eleven year old nephew who, frankly has been on more missions than most of us. Kyle prayed for his dad and Elijah prayed for his Uncle Kristopher. Layla prayed for our own Pastor Lou. This was no ordinary prayer, and Louie...you better get ready for God to move in some mysterious ways.
Layla's prayer (as best remembered by me)

Dear Jesus, Please protect all the dictionaries (missionaries) in the world. Please keep Pastor Louie the dictionary safe when he goes on airplanes and builds peoples walls and help all those dictionaries not to get tired and help Pastor Louie not to be tired. amen

Kyle's prayer was almost equally amusing as he added "Please help my dad not to spank me so much." LOL Do you people know how hard it is not to crack right up during these times. My insides hurt!

lip smacking traditions

You all know we moved here for the rib cook off. Well, we didn't break tradition. We have quite a system. But, we forgot the floss.

scholarships

I applied for a bazillion and three scholarships before I heard that I qualified for all the poor people grants. It's all good though, frankly if I still get any one of the 10grand ones I applied for, I am buying myself a vehicle to fit my family. Prayers are welcome. Anyway, I applied for one thorugh OP Loftbed; a company that supplies loft beds to many a college. When you signed in to apply you had to read the terms and agreements section. That is all normal, except that half way through it says they arent really wanting the answer to question number three and if you write anything other than "OP Loftbed" you will be automatically disqualified. How funny is that! It was a total trick that I would normally have fallen for, but I read it without realizing that I could click that little agree button to jump ahead. Anyway, here are my answers to their questions. I can't remember if I posted these already or not. Sorry if it's a repeat.

What would you do with your time if you knew you only had 24 hours to live?
I would start with double checking in my bible to make sure I know what to expect when I go. Then I would do what every adult has dreamed of. Run with scissors, make the same face for at least an hour, sit way too close to the nonsense television show I am watching. I couldn't resist covering the stove with paper plates regardless of the many lectures I received as a kid as to the workings of a stove and what a pilot is. And to make the day especially sweet I would call my dad to let him know what a rebel I have turned into.

Describe the best practical joke you have played on someone or that someone has played on you.

The best practical jokes are the ones that turn out to not be jokes at all. Like when my brother picked up that cricket and said, "hey, when I was in Thailand they said these were a real treat." Because I am a normal human, I assumed he was joking. In the sense they say chocolate covered ants and they turn out not to be ants at all, but peanuts. Then he ate it. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Someone in my family really does eat bugs. Suddenly, I was five years old on the playground being picked on by that fat bully red head. In case I wasn't sure he was serious, he did it again.

Describe how an OP Loftbed would improve your life.

For the past nine years I have been pregnant with one of my many children. Currently pregnant with my fifth child and seriously nesting I have decided it is necessary to install wood floors in my bedroom. And, if you put in wood floors it is only natural to take up tap dancing. And, if you are going to tap, well, isn't it obvious? If I had an OP Loftbed I could use every inch of my floor. I would never have to worry about stifling the tapper within. In short, an OP Loftbed would set me free. Is there a better way to improve your life? I think not.